Leading Upwards for Growth 

When we’re having the conversation with everyone except the person who needs it 

Most managers I work with in the squishy middle of organisations wish that their leaders above them would do at least some things differently. Yet it is so rare for them to actually communicate this in a productive way. 

We tend to be really good at communicating this with our peers, or with people like me, sharing all the things that we think “they” should be doing. But few of us are as skilled in actually sharing those insights directly. 

And it is probably worth pausing on that for a moment, because there is a slightly uncomfortable question sitting underneath it. 

Am I using their gaps as a reason not to practise my own leadership? 

Not always. There are real constraints in many environments, and this is not simple. But sometimes it is worth noticing what part of this sits within our control, and what we are choosing to do with that. 

I think this emerges from a few common beliefs that middle managers hold. 

Leader on a Pedestal 

We (usually unintentionally) work from an assumption that the leader above us got that job, or they earn that money, by being a fully developed human who should function perfectly in that role. 

Now if I name it that way, most people will say to me, “no, I get it, I know they are human and can make mistakes”. And yet, we still carry a set of assumptions about what they should be doing, based on what we believe someone at that level ought to be capable of. 

What we often do not have is much insight into the full scope of their role, or the pressures and complexity they are working within. 

We also expect, reasonably, that people are on a leadership development journey. If we promoted people into senior roles already fully developed, they would not stay long, because they would have already outgrown the role. 

So it is more realistic to assume that the leaders above us are also learning, and figuring out how to do the best they can in their role. 

That does not remove the impact of their behaviour. But it does slightly shift how we respond to it. 

Positive relationship = positive communication always 

For some of us, this shows up as a stress response in Please or Appease. We say yes, and then get on with things. 

For others, it comes from a belief about what it means to be professional. That being effective and self-regulated means not showing emotions upwards, and not naming things that might sound negative. 

But when we look at the most effective working relationships, in any direction, they are not defined by everything being smooth all the time. They do include disagreement. They do include frustration. The difference is in how those moments are handled. 

People are able to name what is not working, or where they are feeling stuck, in a way that still recognises the other person’s role and responsibility. 

If we take that out of the relationship entirely, we also remove something that helps both the work and the people improve. 

Feedback = judgement 

We can also hold a belief that sharing constructive feedback is the same as judging the other person, and that it will lead to conflict. 

Part of that comes from the story we are running in our own heads, which can become quite judgemental when frustration builds. 

If we stay in that story, it becomes much harder to communicate anything in a way that will actually be useful. 

What helps is shifting our focus away from the person, and towards the behaviour and its impact. 

• What is the behaviour that is not working? 

• What is the impact that behaviour is having? 

• What might be a more helpful alternative? 

That shift does not make the conversation easy, but it does make it more constructive. 

All of this means that we often do not give the leaders above us the feedback that they actually need in order to grow. 

To be able to grow, I need to be able to: 

• Increase my self-awareness of my behaviours and the impact of those behaviours 

• Identify and understand what alternative behaviours might be more helpful 

• Notice moments when a new behaviour might be appropriate, experiment with that behaviour, and experience some kind of reward from trying it 

Yet we do not tend to provide the kind of input that supports that process. We are not always helping build that awareness, or offering insight into what might be more helpful, and we do not often recognise when someone is trying something different. 

In an ideal world, leaders would be doing this for themselves. And at the same time, how will they know that something needs to shift if no one helps them see it? 

I do not expect the managers I work with to directly coach the leaders above them on alternative behaviours, although some do, and do it very effectively. 

But I do expect them to be able to articulate when something is not working, in a way that is useful. 

Is this safe to do in all contexts? No. 

There are environments where it is difficult to speak openly, and that needs to be taken seriously. But if I am certain that there is no way I can influence behaviour above me, then it is outside of my control. And if it is outside of my control, it is worth asking what I am doing with the energy I am putting into it. 

So instead of staying in frustration, and continuing the conversation everywhere except where it might make a difference, I invite you to think about: 

• What are the specific behaviours I would like to see them doing differently? 

• What is the impact of those behaviours? 

• What might a more helpful alternative look like? 

Even if you choose not to share those insights, you are building your own understanding as a leader of how you want to show up as you develop. 

From there, there is a choice. 

• Am I willing to share those insights in a way that supports the growth of the leader above me? 
  • If yes, then it is worth practising that conversation with someone else, and thinking about how to frame it in a way that is grounded in observation and intended to be helpful. 
• Ask permission. Are they open to hearing that feedback? 
  • If they are, share it with a level of curiosity, recognising that you may not have the full picture.  
  • If they are not, then there is still a decision to make. 

• Am I willing to accept this situation and focus my energy where I do have influence?  
  • Or is this not something I want to continue working with? 

What tends not to be particularly helpful is staying where we are while continuing to spend energy wishing someone else would behave differently. 

That is always a choice. It is just worth being clear that it is a choice we are making. 

Leading upwards is not about fixing the person above you. 

It is about deciding how you are going to show up in that space, and what you choose to do with the influence that you do have.